So anyone that knows me will know I haven’t had a ‘proper’ job for a while and I’ve recently had a chance to get back into work through an agency and of course I shall take it because I need to pay my bills and before any one says scrounger or anything of the sort please kindly fuck off I don’t claim anything and when I did it was only my own tax money that I earnt over the years.
But anyway because it’s been a while I can’t believe I’m writing this but I hope it will help me even if just a little bit, I’m literally petrified about going back to work as I’ve spent so much time at home and avoiding public places other than places I’m super use to and haven’t spent anything on myself other than essential stuff in over a year.
I’m sure everyone if not most people at very least dislike their job but I literally bloody hate warehouse work with a passion.
Sorry whats that your thinking? “Do something else” well trust me I would if I could but I can’t find anything and when I do I’m never good enough, I just feel like I’m not good enough for anything like I’ve had a few good jobs before and I also struggle with new people because I’m just simply so scared all the time and nervous and I know everyone is when they start new jobs but I never change that’s part of the problem. I’ve never really been a morning person. For example at night time I feel awake, alive as such I feel like I can do anything within reason of course. However on the morning and again I know people feel the same but I super struggle with it, I feel so angry and frustrated with everything I physically can’t function I use to be fine when on weekends etc but now it’s all the time and I physically can’t stand it I get like a strange heart sinking feeling but super bad if that makes sence.
All I’ve ever wanted to do is be successful but it just seems so impossible I just feel so stuck, confused, scared and just don’t know what to do anymore.
I won’t go in to too much deep and dark detail but I have considered comitting suicide a few times but we shall leave that as that because I don’t want people thinking I’m attention seeking I’m really not and if you think that then please stop reading this and leave this blog and please don’t return.
I also find that when I’m working I don’t want to do anything after work either because normally a job is around 7 till half 5 and by the time I’m home have dinner it’s time to think about going bed and even if I do something or have time I don’t want to because I’m either seriously grumpy or upset or both and don’t want to do anything because I’ll be tired for work in the morning.
I am aware this all probally sounds really selfish and I understand not everyone will understand where I’m coming from or what I’m trying to say I understand everyone feels the same but I just can’t.
I’ve always said I want to be different to everyone else and I guess I am but I didn’t mean it like this, being depressed and anxious about almost everything.
I’ve always wanted my own business but I don’t know anything about all that and I know there’s places that can help but I don’t even have a proper business plan at least not a realistic one anyway.
I see people on YouTube I.e Roman Atwood or Tom casselle and think I want to be like that or do something cool and different but I can’t even look at my own picture let alone record myself and even if I could I wouldn’t k ow what to do or talk about 😦
All this sounds oh so negative I know but I just don’t know what to do with myself any more I’ve really really had enough.
Like people say oh just get on with it grow up etc. Those sort of people don’t understand and even if I could do that don’t you think I would have by now I mean does anyone really think I enjoy being and feeling like this every single day crying myself to sleep most nights
I’m trying I really am but I just don’t know anymore I know it may be hard for new people to understand because they don’t know me that well but it’s been like this year’s and I’ve literally had enough now and I really feel like I’ve hit a brick wall 😦
I had a possible job 4mobths ago for basically driving cars around the country delivering them which I really really wanted to do and still do but I had to be 23 so as some of you know or should know I turned 23 the other day and called the company and I have applied for the job again bit that’s where the sbout set in. It’s self employed which I’m sure I could figure out but still. Also there’s so many little other bits that I just sbout myself on so much I scare myself to the point of convinceing myself I can’t do it.
I need to change I can’t keep going on like this any longer I want to change I want to be a better person but I don’t know how to.
My girlfriend helps me an awful lot and when we have heart to hearts I feel so freaking bad after wards because I feel I’ve brought someone else down in my problems etc.
Which I know is kind of contradicting myself now as that’s pro ally what I’m doing with this post but yeah I’m trying to explain.
I need something.
Sorry for such a depressing long post but thought might as well give it a shot I’ve nothing to loose right.
Hmmmm
Thanks for reading.
Sorry again.
Chris C – MeMyselfAndPhotography